


catching sakura

by chiasa



Category: Free!
Genre: Haru centric, M/M, mentions of makoto and rin, rin is gone, this is a letter from haru to haru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-09 01:06:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5519798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiasa/pseuds/chiasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i suck at writing a summary.</p><p>basically to put it bluntly, haru can't move on. rin is dead. and haru's way of trying to come to terms with rin's death would be writing himself a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	catching sakura

**Author's Note:**

> this is for my santee, sabasama from tumblr. i gravely apologise for how short and pathetic it is but honestly, i'm out of muse, i had writer's block and i don't really know if angst or whatever this is called, is your cup of tea. i am a sorry excuse of a secret santa omg. i wish i could buy you a gift or make you a harurin compilation thingy but writing is my strength.
> 
> I WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS

To Haru,

 

It's a nuisance. My mind easily wanders off with thoughts of his beautiful smile. But it stops there, his smile became the only lingering memory I can remember. I remember memorising his face so well back then, how his skin flushes when I touch him. But it’s slowly fading, those precious memories becoming too fuzzy, dissolving into mere nothingness.

 

It may seem pretty far fetched but I often had dreams of us being together again. Makoto told me that he wouldn’t come back again - more like he couldn’t - but I was trying to stay positive; a slight glimmer of hope keeping me sane. This turmoil in me is driving me insane - as if i’m teetering at the edge of the cliff. I want to let go though, to free fall into his waiting arms but I never had the guts to do so.

 

Days seem to pass really slowly, not that I ever bothered to check really. It was more like I was desperately trying to get through life; literally drowning myself in the waves of despair. I took it upon myself to try, try forgetting everything completely but I couldn’t. There’s always traces of him in the everyday things around me. Sometimes, I indulge myself in swimming laps, in the sea. Makoto would be by the sand watching me, making sure I wasn’t doing anything stupid. I doubt I would. I didn’t want to see Makoto crying again. It was such a sloppy mess. And Sousuke would resurrect me from the dead just to put me in a chokehold. That would be such a pain. I wouldn’t want to see Nagisa holding his tears back as he gripped Rei’s hand. I couldn’t bring myself to put that amount of pain onto _my_ _family_. 

 

I remember walking back to the sakura tree in our elementary school, the place where I heard my first farewell from him. There was this haunting feeling deep inside my chest. It felt so far away - that memory - yet it was one of the first ever real heartbreak I felt. I mean, with Rin, there are numerous heart breaks but this was my absolute first. The moment  _ I’m leaving for Australia _ left his lips, I felt my heart sink. Who wouldn’t honestly feel the same way? Imagine someone forcefully entering your life, shaking up your world, being so dominating and bossy, make you feel things that you never wanted to, show you new sights you’ve never seen before, make you grow fond of him and leave ever so abruptly. All I ever felt after Rin left was a whirlwind of emotions brewing in me. And I yearned for him, honestly, from the bottom of my heart. There weren’t any phone calls or messages or whatsoever. It felt as though he disappeared- no, it was more like he never really existed to begin with. However, the only traces he left behind was the wreckage of the person I was.

 

I sort of forgotten how I got through the months of not seeing Rin. It was rather painful but somehow managed. I had Makoto by my side afterall. He was my strength and my pillar of support. I got through school pretty well, concealing all my feelings, burying it deep within.  _ Rin wasn’t real _ .  _ He was just a figment of our imaginations combined _ .

 

But I was wrong. He was very much real when I saw him at the track crossing near the train station during winter break. If I remembered correctly, it was the end of our first year in middle school. I was overjoyed when I saw him on the opposite side of where I stood. I called out to him, and it was so vivid, ingrained in my brain, that tiny painful smile on his lips. Even if it was for a moment, I saw it. I pushed negative thoughts away and jogged up to him, asking him how Australia was, why he never bothered to call. 

 

All he said was a “Let’s swim together again.”

 

Who was I to disagree?

 

When he lost the race, I watched him breaking down. I couldn’t fathom the situation. I reached for him but my hand was rejected and he walked away. I chased after him, stopping him, pulling him back. At that point Rin was already in tears, crying for reasons I know not.

 

_ I quit. I’m done swimming. _

 

Those words haunted me for years. I felt so utterly guilty, thinking I was the sole reason for shattering his dream. It wasn’t until years later that both Rin and I resolved our misunderstandings and miscommunication. After Rin returned from Australia, we had a few mishaps here and there that happened along the way but I was glad we managed to solve it anyway - with the help of Makoto, Nagisa, Rei and Gou. And I realised our problem lies in the way we bottle our feelings inside. As much as we tried so hard to decipher each other’s thoughts, we remained stuck in our own bubble, not understanding the other fully.

 

Eventually after much trial and error, Rin and I finally learned to be open with our feelings. I could say we were pretty happy after sorting our feelings out. I was his shining and he was my driving force.

 

It took so long for us to realize that we actually love each other. We took a roundabout way before we were aware of our own feelings. It is funny, how we always keep fighting and arguing and not looking at each other eye to eye but I guess you could say we loved each other. We  _ cared _ for each other. Makoto mentioned once that it was pretty obvious from the way Rin and I looked at each other. I’d like to think that I wasn’t such a sappy romantic. That was Rin’s role anyway.

 

 Our time together was short lived. Honestly, it wasn't really surprising. Rin is a really strong person and he never once faltered or showed his weakness. He hated that, as expected from  _ rinrin. _ He managed to successfully keep his sickness away from me until the final hour. I didn't even have time to prepare or react to the news. All I knew was him bidding a weak goodbye on his deathbed with his hand gripping mine tightly. I think the way he chose to leave me behind was totally his style. Rin didn't want me to worry too much. Instead he chose to suck it up and remain by my side as much as he could, treasuring our moments together. 

 

I really love Rin. He' s my everything.  And for him to leave me just like this? I just found it too overwhelming for me. Rin wasn't gone. He's not gone. He can't be. He still here with me, alive, in my heart, my mind, my soul. I don't get why Makoto keep telling me that he's gone. Maybe he's trying to help me like he usually does but find it hard to believe that whatever he said was the truth. I simply couldn’t accept the fact that now, I'm all alone. Again.

 

It feels like yesterday when we just made up. Just thinking about it now makes it painful. I think I finally understood how it feels like to lose someone you care for, to lose someone you really look up to, someone so  _ dear _ to you. Not only that I finally knew the pain of losing someone I depend on and love with all my heart. 

 

Rin is someone I hold dear in my heart.  And I will never forget my love for him. The memories of he might be fading but my heart will remember him for always.

 

I just want to say this. 

  
Rin let's meet in the near future. Until then please wait for me.


End file.
